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How does it feel in my arms?

October 14, 2010

Random mid-day post. Today’s prooving to be SO challenging. I havn’t even left the house yet and I’m so uggh.

My arms keep on cramping. They hurt SO bad. They feel like my muscles are contantly being pinched. I’ll probably start getting spasms soon, I wouldn’t be surprised. I gave up on trying to find an outfit that fits today. None of my tshirts fit me properly anymore. I’ve lost too much weight. They’re all smalls?? Like.. Geeze. They do that thing where the back is all baggy because there’s nothing there too cling too. My boobs keep getting bigger tho, so I get the bulge in the front too. Gosh. I wish I didin’t throw my scale out so I could know EXACTLY where I’m at. It’s driving me insaneee.

I’ve also had someone in the back of my head today that definetly should not be there. My father does notttt deserve to be missed. But, I can’t seem to shake that feeling, or him, from the back of my head. I just, miss him. Plain and simple. I think it’s pretty decent and understandable for someone to miss their father, no matter how much of a reluctant alcoholic he is. Ah I don’t know.

I just hate going through my day with all these goddamn thoughts in the back ofmy head. They always trigger more thoughts, and by the end of the day I’m exhausted and awake in my bed.

Guuh.

Day Five – Item You Have Owned The Longest

Uhmm.. I have no idea what this would be.. I get rid of my things on a pretty constant basis. I’m too much of a perfectionist to be a packrat, or a hoarder.

I remember what you said. Every word. they follow me around, casting their shadows. Blocking my sunlight, forcing me to walk around them.They leave a lasting impression on me that lasts for the rest of the day. The rest of the week sometimes. And just when I forget about them, they come back again. Bigger this time. I’m afraid of the day when I’ll have to walk miles … just to get around them.

I won’t ever follow them into the dark.

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I had every word prepared, I wasn’t even scared. I rehearsed the scene a thousand times;

October 14, 2010

Rollercoaster emotions. Aren’t they grand? Really. They are quite the fun time. I went from feeling sad and nauseous this morning, to happy and giddy this afternoon, to having to go nap because I was so angry this evening. Each and one of these emotions were triggered by the smallest things (with underlying bigger issues, ofcourse)

I woke up feeling SO nauseous. I guess I was subliminaly grabbing my collarbone and my ribs in my sleep, because I woke up with red hand marks and the utterly biggest feeling of disgust in the pit of my stomach that I’ve felt in a long time. This resulted in grudgingly getting my day started, getting ready, getting dressed, smoking too many cigarettes and drinking too many coffees, giving me the worst stomach ache. This is how my day of liquids came about, no food today. Besides my tiny serving of pumpernickle bread and spinach dip I struggled to get down as a 11pm snack attack. I couldn’t even finish my plate; I’m okay with that.

I then stumbled my way to the bus stop, proceeding to feel nauseous and thinking horrible thoughts to myself. And seeing the bus coming, atleast I didin’t have to wait forever, which well, made me feel a little better. I sat down, turned up my ipod and listened to my new reggae music and felt OK.

Seeing her getting off the bus.. that was the highlight of my day. Right then, my stomach ache and nausea got replaced by butterflies and smiles and “ahhhh” emotions. K has the prettiest eyes I think I’ve ever seen. They’re baby blues and honest to god, they always somehow have a shine to them. We had coffee, talked, laughed. I saw D, hadn’t seen her in about.. a year? About that. It was a good after noon 🙂

I come home to everyone being SO bitchy. I got triggered, and got so angry. I showered at 5pm and was in bed by 530. I slept till about 8, where I felt neutral at best. Anddd then I watched some of the hockey game, txtd K, watched ANTM (which gave me a heartattack when Kayla almost got eliminated, but made me cry for joy when Kacey got eliminated instead, hah. I don’t like her) thennnn come online to see my paycheck has gone in and can pay my bills and put in a wopping 11$ in my savings account and live on nothing for another week -_- greaat. Still very releaved I managed to get most of my bills paid.

Anyways. I’m just ranting now, I should probably cut this one short.
PS: K, I miss you. And, I think -think- I might be okay with you reading my blog.. I might get some random anger spasms from this.. buttt, we shall see.. because I’m not changing my URL lol.

Day Four – A Moment Of Thrill
hmm.. How do I choose one of these? ok ok, first thought that comes into head.. OTTAWA.

Gosh. That WAS quite the moment. When I first found out I got accepted to OttawaU, and for JOURNALISM at that, I think my heart very well did fall out of my chest. I was so sure, so confident, so excited. This was one of the most beautiful years of my life. The memories I’ve made, the people I’ve met, the love I gave, I will never -ever- regret. I fell in love with everything that is Ottawa. Every day was beautiful, even if my thoughts were the ugliest. There was beauty in everything, in everyone, in everything I learnt, in everything I created.
Beautiful, beautiful, memories.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin’ when I hold you
Don’t you know I feel the same
‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We’ve been through this
Such a long long time
Just tryin’ to kill the pain
Yeahh..
But lovers always come
And lovers always go
And no one’s really sure
Who’s lettin’ go today
Walking away
If we could take the time
To lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin’ that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
Then darlin’ don’t refrain
Or I’ll just end up walkin’
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time
On your own
Do you need some time
All alone
Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don’t you know you need some time
All alone

I know it’s hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn’t time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time
On my own
Sometimes I need some time
All alone
Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don’t you know you need some time
All alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever
Even cold November rain

This song has been in my head for about two hours now. I’ll always always have a weird addiction to guns and roses.

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Just give me a little bit more;

October 12, 2010

I’ve been procrastinating this post all night. Going for another cigarette. Looking at other blogs. Talking with my brother. I havn’t been in the mood to think, and I knew if I’d come here to write something, I’d have mental diarrhea. Today was just, fucked. I did not enjoy it whatsoever.

And after a night of no socializing, I sit down to finaly write my post, and my msn is all of a sudden a crowd of orange blinking lights. Alright, I’ll do my best here.

I’m not too sure where my thoughts are at lately. I’m very, messed up, so to say. I’m trying to do my own thing. To just nevermind people’s drama and mind my own.

K’s drunken spill the other night made me realize a lot. Things I didin’t want to realize, but had to. I’m not even sure what they were? But I feel like that whole time she was talking, I was getting a smack in the face. Not because of her, no not at all. Just because of me. Of who I am. Of HOW I am. It’s like I realized I have a lot to realize, and I’m prepping myself to realize and fulfill them. Whatever that may be.

I do know I’m not ready to have a relationship. No sir. That is one thing K’s words made me realize, for sure. I thought it was too early for drama like that, and it makes me wonder what kind of drama there would be if things got serious. This sort of bumms me out. I really did want something serious with her. But being told she didin’t deserve me was a huge turn off, especially because I’ve been in this position not once but twice, and I wasn’t really expecting it from her. I’m not going to completely shut out the idea, of course. I’m just going to relax on the idea. Let things take their course sort of deal. We’ll see.

The court date is soon. I can tell my mum is really stressed about this. N’either of us have seen my father in about 6-7 years, and she’ll see him in a court room in aboutt 10days. Ahh, I feel for her..I want to come with her, even if I jus tstay in the car, just BE there for her.. But she knows me too well. She knows that not even a second after seeing those two I’d be on their asses running my mouth.. and that can’t happen. Gosh. I’m happy I’ve never seen them on the streets.. that would most probably end very badly.

I think I’ve gotten to a point in my head where things could potentially get very bad. I don’t even know. I’m just so, blah. I’m not Amandah. &I miss myself.. extreamly..

Oh. I should probably mention that two of my friends found my blog today. UGH. There are specific reasons why I do not tell people what my blog is. First off, it’s the one thing I have left that’s mine. The one thing that hasn’t been judged and mulledover by the people I see every day. The one place I can talk and talk and talk and not get shit for what I’m doing, for how I am. It’s mine. It’s me. IT’S MINE. and second of all, when people know what you actually think, shit hits the fan, like it did today. Misconceptions are created, people create assumptions, people get mad people get hurt people just can’t handle it.

So, now I’ve got the funnest decision to make -_- .. delete or keep? Gah. I really don’t want to delete this blog, there’s about two years of history in here! But then, this could cause a whole lot of everything I don’t want. Ahhh.

Alright, blinking lights are distracting me. I’m upset that I didin’t even get close to everything I wanted to say, but, tomorrow I suppose.

Day Three – A silly picture of yourself

ahh this sucks lol.

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Sweet like a kiss, sharp like a razor blade;

October 10, 2010

It’s definetly been a hectic few days.
Hmm.

Well.
I was going to bed yesterday, and my phone rings.
It’s K.
She’s so drunk.
So.. so dunk.
What do drunk people do when they have the courtesy to drunk call you?
Oh but they rant! Ofcourse!
I guess we’ve been seeing each other,
yea, more or less.
Then she said the words.. actually the ones I didin’t think I’d hear from HER.
“Amandah, I do not deserve you.”
uggh,.
shrugg.
NOOOO.
Not againnnn.

Why is it that anybody I am serious with, or want to be serious with ALWAYS pops this statement?
S said it.
And that relationship failed, because she always tried to proove herself to me.
J said it, and that one failed because she gave up on prooving herself to me.
And now K?
K just enumerated the reasons why she’s not good enough for me,
and gave me a promise that she’ll find someone who is..

God.
It’s not anyone’s goddamn decision to DECIDE if they are good enough for me.
Or they are beautiful enough.
Or caring enough.
Or ANYHTING enough.
No one other’s than MINE.
This frustrates me SO much.
And has completely turned me off when it comes to K.
.. so so frustrated and bewildered…
Gosh.
Sure, I might come off as an amazing girl,
I might treat you perfectly.
I might even make you SO happy.
But oh my.. You really don’t know me..
I’m as fucked up as the next person.
Fuck me.

Anyways.
Happy thanksgiving?
YAY!
(not)
I officially had my very first “vegetarian” thanks giving.
That is in quotations because I’m not really a vegetarian lol.
I jsut havn’t eaten meat in a month “unintentionally”.
..yea…
my doctor would kill.
I had my potatoes, my carrots, my salad, pumpernickle bread anddd.. that’s it?
Either way.
I panicked.
I’ve been eating so little lately, that just SEEING all that food (even the stuff I wasn’t eating) laid out on the table,
was making me feel sooo disgusting.
My food came out.
Yea.
Yupp.
It did.
I’m not even worried about this anymore.
I’m pretty goddamn proud of the weight I’ve lost.
and I’m actually pretty surprised nobody’s done so much as given me a glance yet?
hmm…

Day Two – Ten Interesting Facts About Yourself

1. I’m not a very interesting person.
2. Vogue is prooobably the best thing ever invented.
3. I have two tattoos. One on my back which says “When panik grips my soul, I won’t let it define me” (yay, my words) and birds flying up my collar bones. I’m getting another in november.
4. I’m a lesbiannnn. (although, how interesting is that.. really? 😉 )
5. I love writing. I write essays for fun. However, I do not follow ANY structured or MLA formatting, or even spellcheck my things. Which is why I failed out of OttawaU Journalism.. Oh, I’ll never blog an essay.. so don’t ASSUME this is how I write hahaha
6. Failing that course was a great thing, because I get to get my BA in Psych instead !
7. I have a love/hate relationship with ym eating disorder. (but, that’s plain obvious)
8. I’m a health freak (also a given)
9. My little sister and brother are my life. They are the ONLY reasons why I am still alive.
10. My father’s an asshole. (who’se isin’t?) mine hasn’t been around for about 6-7 years now.

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I’ve been trying to reach you, but my extension cord wouldn’t reach that far;

October 9, 2010

Oh, I am terribly sorry I havn’t posted in a few days.
I’ve been so sick.
And so tired.
I’m just getting rid of my cold, and I’ve caught a flu.
Dreadful.

I am however happy to announce that I am a working girl now!
Yussssss.
I had my first shift thursday (and made a rather bad first impression..having gotten sick twice and being sent home..guh)
My shift friday however, went about perfectly.
I think the only thing I don’t like about this job,
is that well, the store is very big and isin’t very “family oriented” so to say,
andddd that in this small town, I am seeing a lot of people I hoped to never see again
coming through my cash.
Oh joy.
But, I’ve got bills to pay.
Stickkkk it outtttt.

I’ve been restricting a lot.
And I mean a lot.
I’m prepping for thanksgiving.
I havn’t eaten in three days,
but had chop souey today because well,
I have to eat at some point right?
Oh.. I wish I had my scaaalee.
Why oh whyyy did I have to pack it??

Things are going very well 🙂
My head still thinks, all the time.
But, I am getting better at managing my thoughts.

Either that or I’m replacing them with my ED..
Either way, I’m not complaining today.

Oh, on a very random note,
I don’t believe K is my type.
I’m not attracted to her,
she doesn’t make me cream my pants just by seeing her.
(but she’s SO nice, and caring, and sympathetic)
our personalities match perfectly.
I wish I wasn’t so shallow.
Brutal honesty,

Day One – About your name
Hmm.. what to say about this one? Well.. my name’s Amandah. I think it means “amour” in latin (althought, amour is french..) Yea, I believe that’s what the preist told me at my “confirmation” back in eight grade.

I really do love my name. With the “h” at the back. My name tag at work doesn’t have it, and my name looks naked. Gosh, I even get letters from the government with the “h” at the end of my name, haha. This could potentially screw me over, very well.

I think my father wanted to call me Beatrice.. Woah. No offence to any Beatrices’ out there, I just personaly do not like that name, or look like a Beatrice for that matter. Thank god he xne’d himself out of my life, looool.

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How did I ever let you go?;

October 6, 2010

Today was a good day.
Well, pretty much, anyways.
It started dreadfully, but quickly turned for the better.
..I think I caught myself singing at one point, actually..
hmm..

I had orientation at my work today.
I’m off tomorrow.
Then thursday I’m getting training, and Friday I’m on my own.
She only gave me one day of training, cause well,
I already know everything.
Koodos to me.
C is a hilarioussss girl.
Gosh.
She made the 4hours of orientation go by like nothing today.
Hah.
I’m going to love working with her.
She also commented on how skinny I am.
Brownie points for C!

Speaking on skinny..
ABC day three today, successssss.
What was it? 300 400 cals?
Either way, I’ve lived on coffee all day.

So, based on all that,
This is promising to be a great week.
Not to mention thurs, I’m going for a movie with K
then going back to her rez.
I’m so excited.. I miss her so much,..
I think I really.. really.. like this girl..
ahhh.

This week took a turn for the better, maybe?

ABC DIET (first ten days)
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories

4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast

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Do not let the bastards grind you down;

October 4, 2010

I feel dreadful.
I feel like I want to rip all of my skin off.
I just can’t manage to get rid of these goddamn intense emotions.
Garh.
One day at a time seems to be letting be down here.
I guess I’m not helping my case.
I’ve hardly eaten in two days.
Like I mentioned before, I’m on ABC.
So, I was supposed to have 500cals a day for the last two days.
I’ve accomplished it.
Purged whatever I had yesterday (300cals)
Then had supper today (450cals) kept that in, however.
I could go on and on about how this is influencing my mood and is probably a major facter in why it’s so low,
but..
I’m happy about it.
Proud of myself?
But feeling worse and worse by the minuttteee.
ah, damn.
I’m my own worse enemy.

Today wasn’t all that bad tho.
Before I started feeling like this, I was spending time with my sister.
We did our nails, played dressup.
I have a picture for you guys 🙂
She’s the CUTEST thing..
looks nothing like me..

I didin’t sleep much last night either..
3-4 hours?
That could be influencing my mood also.

Bah.
This always fucks everything up.

ABC DIET (first ten days)

day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)

3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast